Speech: Andrew's

Ladies & Gentlemen,

Damian has asked me to say a few words to represent the Asian part of his life to date – which, of course, I am delighted to do.

To be honest, most of the time, Damo, makes no sense. In fact, marrying Sarah is the first sensible thing that he has done since I have known him. But he does have a big heart, so we mostly forgive him for the mindless drivel that he comes out with, which accounts for about 99% of his conversations.

Another thing about Damian, is that he has the memory of a goldfish. For instance, each Friday before our monthly game of golf with the boys, we would invariably find ourselves down at Coolies, supping a few ales. Afterwards, we would share a taxi home and I would agree to pick him up for golf the next day.

For the first 12 months, I politely sat in the cab, listening to exactly the same stories that I had heard only hours before down at Coolies! I am not the most patient of people so, these days, our conversation in the cab goes something like this:
“I went to see Jamie Callum on Thursday.”
“You told me already.”
“Oh, sorry. But, afterwards, on the way home…”
“Told me.”
“Sarah’s is having...”
“I know this.”
“And next week, we’re”
“Damian?”
“Yes?”
“Shut up!”

Another specialty that Damo has in his locker, and I am sure that most of you here will have experienced this frustrating aspect of an evening out with Damian: “Pissed Negotiation”.

Yes, for some reason, once Damian’s Drunkometer ticks over to ‘Fully Tanked’, a small wiring default in his brain makes him believe that he can become a master negotiator.

One of my favourites was on a visit to KL. After a good night out, I was trying to secure a reasonable price for a taxi back to our hotel. Just as I had settled on a great deal for everyone, up steps the master negotiator.
“What price did you get?”
“20 Ringgit”
“20 Ringgit? You’ve got to be joking. Hey boss: I’ll give you 5”
“No way, sir, it’s after midnight. You must pay more.”
“After midnight? But it’s only 4pm in London…”

Just what did he expect the poor taxi driver to do?

Now, some of you have made the trip out here today for this wonderful occasion, may have not seen Damian for a while. And you may be thinking that much of his stories centre on him being drunk for 90% of the time.

As a good mate of Damian’s, I would not want his friends and family to get the wrong idea about his drinking habits. So I am at pains to make this clear to you: Damian is not drunk 90% of the time. It’s more like 95%.

As I said earlier, Damian does have a massive heart. He’s always happy to see you – especially if you give him beer. And he is certain to be there should you need a friend to talk to.

I can honestly say that, if Holly had not introduced myself, and Esther, to Sarah and Damian, we would probably be back in England by now.

Most of the people that I now know in Singapore, Damo introduced me to. And he has never asked for anything for in return. Except for beer.

Ok, we’ve had a lot of speeches already, so I am going to keep mine short. And brilliant.

Damian and Sarah seem to spend all their time supporting other people and being genuinely pleased for nice things to happen to them. Today, is a chance for all of us to be genuinely pleased and supportive of them for a change. And to help them make an already amazing day, even better.

So if you would all like to be upstanding for the final toast. Repeat after me:
“God help Sarah!”